im · a · bill · you · pay...

Anyways.

I am going to hangout with my friend Karen tomorrow. I can't wait to hear her crazy stories about Alaska. I wish I could go to Alaska. Someday hopefully.

Everything is getting better between Brandon and I. I hate when we are mad at each other. I really love him and the very thought of us not being together really disturbs me.

Damn I have to pee.

peace and love

Am

Current Location:	home
Current Mood:	crazy
Current Music:	Alanis Morissette

It all started Friday night when Mike and Aimee came over for dinner. Brandon and Mike were out back grilling and then I heard some arguing. At first I thought it was Brandon and Mike arguing over who is better Superman or Batman. But Brandon came in laughing and I could still hear agruing outback. He told me that Mike and Aimee were in a heated conversation about Mike leaving his dirty clothes on the floor. Aimee tried to defend herself but both Mike and Brandon were gaining up on her. So I went outside and asked what the problem was. Aimme asks me if I thought she was crazy for getting so upset about Mike not cleaning up after himself and I said no I feel the same way. Then Brandon gets smart and says "It's a Guy Thhing!" I sad "NO, its called being lazy!" Then he says something about men who clean up after themselves are gay. With him saying that pisses me off, because I know plenty of straight men that can clean up after themselves. Its called having pride in your home. Well Brandon pulls Mike aside and whispers something to him, then turns around and says, "Your right, we are lazy, I should have known better than to say anything." So full of shit, I know how he is. Anyways, we eat dinner and then Mike goes to his house (next door) and calls Brandon to come over, which is fine because Aimme and I hungout and talked a whole bunch about anything and everything.

Well its already after 11 and I know Brandon is shitfaced by now and I tell him he needs to come home and go to bed since he has to be up at 6 in the morning. Well he gets home super fucked up and I am sitting on the couch typing and he comes over and asks me if I am mad at him. At the time I wasnt the heated conversation from earlier in the night had passed and all I really was, was tired. I spent all day with the baby, just like everyday. I had a long week of Mid-terms and taking care of Eric as well. You know I was just plan wore the fuck out. I told him I was fine and he kept pushing and pushing until I got really annoyed because he was so shitfaced. Normally his drinking doesnt bother me but lately hes been getting a attitude and I don't deserve any lip, especailly since I am the one who cooks, cleans, and takes care of our child, plus go to school full time and babysit a 4 month old. i have a lot of shit I do to, yeah I may not go to work for 8 hours but in case he doesnt notice with all the shit I do everyday, my days never end man. Raising a child is the biggest responsibility anyone could ever had. Its demanding, no benefits and I dont get paid. I love my daughter but its hard sometimes, especailly when I have no "ME" time. I havent had me time in I dont know I cant even remember.

Anyways back to the point. So I blow up and tell him I am tired of his shit. Its always me who does everything. then he tells me that he works all day and he wants to come home and relax so its my job to let him have that time and take care of Fallon. I couldnt help myself but I start scream at him. "You know what buddy, I go to school all morning and come home and take care of two kids and I have homework." He goes on to say "You go to school for four hours and you get to some home and do whatever." I go on to say "No asshole I don't JUST get to come home and do WHATEVER. I come home and do stuff around the house and since you werent listening a few mins ago, I also have two kids I watch after!!" By this time hes standing up telling me I need to sit down and not talk to him like that. PFT, been there done that, I am not making the same mistake again. If I were to have given in to him and not stand my ground, he would have manipulated the whole situation and make me feel bad about feeling the way I did. I thetn told him "NO, you sit down and shut the Fuck up and listen or else I am gone." So he did.

I told him I not putting up with is crap anymore. He was going to have to change because its not fair that I do everything around here. Its me who gets up everyday and takes care of everything. I told him that its me who gives our daughter her baths, its me who sets up adn takes her to her appointments, its me who washes and cleans her clothes and messes, its me who makes her her meals, its me who spends 20 hours of the day with her. I told him its me who cleans your clothes, the house, cooks the meals, does his errands. I go to school to work for something for us not just myself. I watch eric because we need the extra money. Its me who gives over 100% of myself and I am not appreciated. All he does is come home and spend maybe a couple hours with Fallon and then gets shitfaced. I told him he has to slow down with that shit. i told him I dont party anymore because we have responsibilities now. One of us needs to be sober if something were to happen to her and we have to go to the emergency room. What worries me is what is something were to happen to me and he couldnt get me to the emergency room.

He also did shrooms that night too because Mike was having a bad day and so as a friend took them too knowing he had to be up early in the morning. He told me he coulnt just say no because Mike was his friend. I said yes you can, you should have told him i have a family i have to take care of and i cant do this tonight maybe a night where i dont have to get up early. Now how hard would that be, if he would have gotten mad then hes not your friend if he cant understand that fact you have a family you have to take care of. That was my whole point with that. Its not hard to say no, its the fact he hasnt gotten past his party years and he needs to grow up. He is going to be 30 in a few months and we have a 11 month old baby, we dont have the time nor the money to be wasting on this shit anymore. Also if the tables were turned I know for a fact Mike would have said no. He knows that he would be in some serious shit if he would have. Sometimes Brandon mistakes my niceness for stupidity. Little does he know that I dont need a man to take care of me and my child. I can do it myself, but its nice to have someone to help you out and to love. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved and it will always be that way aince we share the one thing that no one ever will and thats our daughter. No matter what we will be a part of each other lives wheither we grow old together or not. I dont know it makes perfect sense to me. Am I in the wrong? Seriously, did I overreact? Be honest who ever is reading this. If I am wrong, I will admit it and apologize to him.

Honestly I do feel bad about him not drinking anymore, I knew coming tintot he relationship that he was and alcoholic. I didnt tell him he had to quit but to slow down and he said he cant he either keeps drinking or he quits completely. So he hasnt drank anything since Friday and he told me to get rid of the bottles of whisky and rum and the beer. I mean now I cant even drink around him and i would feel bad even having a drink because he cant. and i dotn drink all the time but ever once in a while i like to have a few drinks. I dont know how long this will last, the last time he didnt drink for a few days he was such an asshole. And its not like he beats me or anything like that when he is drunk, its just he doesnt know when to stop and ill find him passed out of the floor or hanging off couch and it worries me. anyways.

peace
am

Current Location:	home
Current Mood:	blah
Current Music:	the decemberists

Anyways I am horny and Happy such a great combination! now where is brandon....

peace
am

Current Location:	home again home again jiggity jig.
Current Mood:	horny
Current Music:	sex and the city theme music

School is okay, I really dislike my Anatomy teacher, she can kiss every bit of my ass!!
My sister and my friend Dawn both had their babies within the last couple weeks.

I am getting really impatient with Brandon....he was suppose to have been home already so we can have S-E-X!

anyways...just wanted to check in and say Hey...so HEY!

peace and carrots
am

Current Location:	Home
Current Mood:	horny
Current Music:	The Decemberists

school is alomst over...THANK GOD! i am ssooo ready for the summer. i have decided to take the summer off. im so burnt out with school. i need some time to my family.

my mom, diane, me and the baby are going to nashville for EARTH DAY. i cant wait, we going to get matching face paints..theheheh.

well thats about it...oh wait brandon bought me a dishwasher and a porch swing this weekend!!! hes so good to me.

peace and mommy love
amber

Current Mood:	happy
Current Music:	john mayer (of course)

peace and carrots
amber

Current Location:	in-laws
Current Mood:	content
Current Music:	mozart

so far this semester of classes are okay. new school i kindof dont like it but what can i do..nothing really. anyways. ive got to go and study and finish a paper.

peace and mommy love
am

Current Mood:	busy
Current Music:	the eagles

i guess being occupied with the baby and school, i have been in denial about brandon and i. i mean after this weekend, apparently i dont know jack shit about my boyfriend. he tells me i only know 20% of him and that i dont care to know anything else. that it is all about me. in my defense, if i only know 20% of this person, its not my fault he has to hide things from me. he waits until he is completely shit faced to tell me anything. he says im hard to talk to. well in case  he has forgotten i am pregnant and im a little more senstive when it comes to some of the things he says. he also tells me that he misses the old brandon. okay the only things i know about "OLD BRANDON" is that is was a druggie, a drunk, a asshole who slept with half of madisonville. now tell me, am i suppose to be happy with that comment?! he also tells me that i am too touchy feely with him. i mean it was okay in the beginning to be like that and he enjoy it, but now he cant stand it. now im terrified to touch him. and when he tocuhes me im uncomfortable, because it seems like he can touch me whenever but i cant him. doesnt make sense. another thing i have noticed is that when we have sex, its only been after he has either taken a viagra or hes really drunk. you know i know im not at my most beautiful right now, but geez dont make me feel like i am only attractive when you have been drinking. maybe im being over sensitve, or maybe im not but either way my feelings are extremely hurt. 

i cry every night before i go to bed and recap everything lately that has been going on and try to piece things together. i feel the old amber coming back and i dont want her to. i hate that person. and im letting him make me this way. the chemistry between us isnt the same since we found out we are having a baby. we went last week to hear the babys heartbeat and he just made a "I really dont want to be here face!!!" even his mom noticed. i sense that something is up with him, like he thought that i didnt know that he waits til i am in bed to sneak a drink, but its not just one its like three or four sometimes more. and its late at night. i caught him after 12 he was reaching for his bottle of crown and wheni walked in he stopped and acted like he was taking the garbage out. and when i started to walk out the room continued to pour his drink so i asked him, "out of curiosity, do you drink everynight before you go to bed?" and he says "Only on days i can't sleep.", do you know waht this means, 1. hes been hiding things from me and 2. hes become a really bad alcoholic. i dont know what to do anymore. im scared that even though he says we are inthis together and that he loves me, i cant help to feel like only part of it is true, and when i have that feeling, im usually right, its a only matter of time before i find out something i really dont want to know but in the long run I WILL BE OKAY!

Current Mood:	depressed
Current Music:	death cab for cutie

Finals start on the 30th of this month. I am so ready for this semester to be over with. I taking nine hours this summer and I wanted to take 13 in the fall but i go into labor around mid November and I don't want to fall behind or stress myself out too much. so I might just take 9 instead. ::shrugs::

Current Mood:

content

I have to say that Merwin's poem makes a whole lot of sense. Never have I really thought that I have passed the anniversary of my death. Never once had it occurred to me that "Hey today, twenty years from now will be the day I die." I try not to think about death. I hate to see things come to an end and it seems that if I block it out, I don't ever have to think of it. I've had people close to me die but I don't feel anything. It's as if I'm in permanent denial or I shut off what I can feel. The only time I really think about death (about myself dying) is when I'm driving in my car. I daydream different ways I can die in my car. I spend so much time in my car and thinking about death in my car that I believe some day I will die in my damn car! After reading all the different poems about death made me think of different times in my life that death was so close to me. Times where I wanted to die, times I can't explain why, times of careless decisions. When you get so close to it (death), it's scary and you want to forget about it. Death isn't optional, so unfortunate for me, some day I too will die.

I should have been dead 20 years ago when I was walking along the pool and watching all the kids around me swimming in the deeper end (knowing I couldn't swim well) I jumped in and blacked out. I should be dead. I should have been dead 15 years ago, when I was swimming in the ocean and the current pulled me out deeper and a wave knocked me off my float and I was sucked all the way down hitting my head on the bottom of the ocean floor. I stopped breathing. I should be dead. I should have been dead 10 years ago when I thought that my place in this world meant nothing and overdosed. I should be dead. I should have been dead four years after trying to kill myself. My body dehydrated, tired, and slowly feeling my body dying. I literally could feel my body giving up, wanting to shutdown. I should be dead. But I'm not dead. I can remember these things so vividly and thinking about them makes me angry and sick. Why wouldn't someone want to block it out? So many times I should have been dead and not dead yet, makes me wonder when I will die. I like Merwins poem about not knowing when but knowing that you have passed the day of your death because it's something to think about, it's not fictional. And when something is not fictional it makes your mind wonder. I'm sorry but death is a touchy subject for me and I know I should use my bitterness and confusion and whatever else I feel about death in my writings, I just have a hard time.

but i have faith, one day i will be okay with the idea of death. just not today.

im glad i had this assignment. even though it brought out some bitterness, it also has allowed me to open up and to start dealing with it.

peace

amber

Current Mood:

grateful

"There is a wall I have built up and I can't seem to face it. If I let it crumble to my feet, I might lose everything I know about myself."

so this weekend was...another weekend.

i was pretty much annoyed and being an asshole because i'm mean sometimes.

but somedays i have to stand my ground otherwise i will not be heard.

today is exactly six months brandon and i have been dating. its been the greatest six months. im madly in love with him but at the same time im incredible scared. we have been talking a lot about moving in together and starting a whole new life together. its wonderful that he has chosen me to share this with. i think what im trying to get at is, i dont want the heart of wonderfulness to disappear. i dont want him to get bored or become an asshole with me and visa versa. its been a really long time since i have been in a "serious" relationship. what i mean by serious, is if the relationship will actually go somewhere. i dont want the chemistry to sizzle. i dont want to talk about forever anymore. its makes me think about the "What If's" and then im back where i first started. im not writing this to make brandon worry about anything, that was not my intention. its just something i have thought about and wondered if it has ever crossed his mind.

six months, Thats half a year. and not one day have i ever felt it has been a waste of time. its such a beautiful feeling. its so awesome knowing that someone can love and cherish you with everything they've got. because i love and cherish him with all my insides and outsides! ahah. i still think hes too good for me. but thats just my opinion. it baffles me that hes been single all this time. hes perfect...well except with his picky eating habits but its something i can work with. i like to tease him about being so picky. hahah i do it in hopes he will get passed it. but if it bothers him i will try my hardest to be nicer about it. haha. anyways. i love him more than a fat kid loves cake!

peace and carrots

amber

Current Mood:

good

well ill know for sure in a couple days about something really important but im not going to share details until i know for sure its happening! im nervous and i dont want to get my hopes up too high and find out later it was nothing! i hate when that happens. it always happens to me but lets hope it doesnt this time. but if it does there is always next time. anyways.

i lost my neckalace that my dad got me for christmas! it was my favorite and there are no more honest people in this world so i know its gone for good! ::sniffs::

i really dont have much to say. i did get the position for the biology club president. im really excited about that. i know i will be a good leader once i get the hang of it. ::shrugs::

im happy!
peace and carrots
am

Current Mood:	happy
Current Music:	stereophonics

exactly a week from today will be me and brandons sixth month...HOORAY! i really love him. like super duper love him. our relationship reminds me of a song from the LAST KISS soundtrack by joshua radin and schuyler fisk called PAPERWEIGHT:

been up all night
staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
i've been this way
with so many before
but this feels like the first time
you want the sunrise
to go back to bed
i want to make you laugh
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers
i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
i don't want to forget
come daylight
happy to lay here
just happy to be here
i'm happy to know you
play me a song
your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue
paperweight on my back
cover me like a blanket
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers
i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
i don't to forget
come daylight
and no need to worry
that's wastin time
and no need to wonder
what's been on my mind
it's you
it's you
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget
come daylight
and i give up
i let you win
you win 'cause i'm not counting
you made it back
to sleep again
wonder what you're dreaming

its a beautiful song and it reminds me so much of me and brandon. hehehe.
well i think its about time for me to head home i still have to stop and get gas in my car.

Current Mood:	cold
Current Music:	jessie baylin

leslie and J.P. got married last week and i caught the bouquet. hahahah. yeah, my mom has been asking for grandkids she says shes ready...hahah little does she know its not up to her. but she said that if we do plan to have a baby that she will help out, when we are at school and work she would watch the baby. thats a really nice gesture. will see. i know this sounds crazy but i kindof do want to have a baby. i know i know. what the hell is wrong with me you are thinking? its just with everything that has happened in my life and how things are going now, it almost seems like this is the right time. i dont know if that makes sense but it does to me. but anyways.

classes start next week im halfway through to gettig my associates. hehe. im so proud of myself.
brandon and i are getting a place in a month. im ready to move out. my parents drive me crazy.
well im hungry
peace and carrots
amber

Current Mood:	hungry
Current Music:	justin timberlake

we celebrated out five month this saturday, it was fun we went out for lunch and walked around wal-mart for three hours (i was getting new tires for my car and christmas shopping). then we went out to dinner and came home and watched a bucnh of movies. and smoked, hehehe. he was happy about that and so was i. i spanked his ass four games in a row of uno and yahtzee and darts. hahaha. then i got sick and here i am today. my flower has wilted. i feel like poop! i hope i dont continue to feel this way when i get to the valley. ::shrugs::

we watched IDLE WILD, CLERKS TWO, THE OMEN, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, TALLADEGA NIGHTS and the ending of the second PIRATES OF THE CARR. they were all good in their own way.

so i got my new camera and i have been taking a lot of new oics so i will be updating my myspace and here soon. hehehe. anyways. im out
peace and carrots
amber

Current Mood:	sick
Current Music:	jacob miller